


House of Dirk

by imarriedacherub



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dicks (Crudely Drawn), Illustrated, Image Heavy, M/M, May or May Not Be the 50's, Murder, Sitcom, Studio Audience Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-04-23 18:02:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 13,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19156126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imarriedacherub/pseuds/imarriedacherub
Summary: A sitcom about completely normal and well-adjusted newlyweds Dirk and Caliborn attempting to make a good impression on their son, Dave, and his boyfriend, Karkat.





	1. INTRO

**Author's Note:**

> Some things are best said squirreled away on fan fictions sites.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what the refrance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaUkaIdFBpk

**ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A TYPICAL, AMERICAN BOY...**

 

****

**WHO BUMPED INTO A TYPICAL, RED-BLOODED, AMERICAN CHERUB.**

**THEY BECAME GOOD FRIENDS, AND FOUND THEY HAD A LOT IN COMMON.**

 

**COMBAT...**

 

**PHILOSOPHY...**

 

**LIFE... DRAWING...**

 

**LOVE...**

**AND WHEN THE CHERUB FOUND THE BOY TO BE ATTRACTIVE, DESIRABLE, IRRESISTIBLE, HE DID WHAT ANY RED-BLOODED AMERICAN CHERUB WOULD DO.**

 

**HE ASKED THE HUMAN TO MARRY HIM.**

 

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

 

**THEY HAD A TYPICAL WEDDING...**

**WENT ON A TYPICAL HONEYMOON...**

 

**MOVED INTO A TYPICAL HOME...**

**BUT...**

 

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

 

 

**WHEN YOU MARRY A CHERUB, EVEN THE MOST TYPICAL HOUSEHOLD CAN BE ANYTHING BUT.**

 

[ROLL TITLE]

[CUE THEME SONG]

[THE STUDIO AUDIENCE IMAGINES IT'S REALLY CATCHY]

 

 


	2. ONE

DIRK: We have a problem. 

 

DIRK: There's no food.

 

CALIBORN: THERE IS PLENTY OF SUSTENANCE. IN THE COOLING RECEPTACLE.   
DIRK: I'm looking and there is definitely nothing edible in here.   
DIRK: I thought it'd be dope if we fed our guests actual food and not the indigestible and unidentifiable meats you seem to live on.   
CALIBORN: HERE IS AN IDEA.   
CALIBORN: WHAT IF WE FED THEM. TO EACH OTHER.   
DIRK: Hm. No.   
DIRK: Look, I'm cashing in one of my obligatory husband favors to ask you to get some groceries.   
CALIBORN: UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

DIRK: Before you go, I need you to understand, it's really important to me that you're on your best behavior this weekend. I want Dave and Karkat to feel comfortable during their stay, so none of your usual stuff.   
CALIBORN: I AM A MAN OF MANY "STUFFS". YOU WILL HAVE TO ELABORATE.   
DIRK: You know. Pew pew. That stuff. Maybe give it a rest while our guests are over.

 

 

==> CALIBORN: GROCERY SHOP

CALIBORN: I FUCKING HATE. FETCH QUESTS.

 

==> PROCEED TO CHECKOUT

CALIBORN: YOU THERE. CLERK.   
CALIBORN: I AM HERE TO BARGAIN FOR YOUR WARES.   
CLERK: Ok, cool.   
CALIBORN: HERE IS HOW. THIS USUALLY GOES DOWN.   
CALIBORN: I GIVE YOU THIS DIRTY PAPER. AND YOU ALLOW ME TO LEAVE WITH "THE GOODS".   
CLERK: That's generally how it works, yeah.   
CALIBORN: HERE IS MY OFFER. I WILL SPARE YOU YOUR WICKED LIFE. BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU TO BE WORTH LESS THAN THE ITEMS IN MY WHEELED FOOD BASKET. AND CERTAINLY LESS THAN THE DIRTY PAPER I HOLD IN MY HAND.   
CALIBORN: SO BY SPARING YOUR LIFE. I AM DOING YOU A FAVOR. THAT IS WORTH A PRICE GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO. THE ARBITRARY AMOUNT OF DIRTY PAPER. YOU HAVE ASCRIBED TO EQUAL THE COST OF THESE GOODS.   
CLERK: Oh. No, you gotta give me the paper if you want the food, dude.   
CALIBORN: I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU ANYTHING. I WANT TO KEEP ALL OF MY THINGS. AND TAKE YOUR THINGS AS WELL.   
CLERK: That's not how shopping works.   
CALIBORN: MAKE IT WORK THAT WAY. MAKE IT WORK THAT WAY OR ELSE.   
CLERK: Nah.   
CALIBORN: YES.   
CLERK: Nah.   
CALIBORN: YES.   
CLERK: Nah.   
CALIBORN: YOUR OBSTINANCE. SHALL BE YOUR DEMISE.

 

DIRK'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: No more stuff.. stuff.. stuff..

 

CALIBORN: I HAVE DECIDED. YOUR TRASH. ISN'T WORTH MY TIME.

 

==> CALIBORN: IMPROVISE

CALIBORN: HE'LL SEE. MY WAY IS BETTER.   
CALIBORN: IT ALWAYS IS.   
CALIBORN: THE BEST TASTING THINGS. ARE FREE.   
CALIBORN: AND NATURE PROVIDES. THE FRESHEST MEAT OF ALL.

 

CALIBORN: HERE. DUCKY. DUCKY. DUCKY. 


	3. TWO

==> Dave and Karkat: Drive to your "parents'" house. 

DAVE: ...  
DAVE: sorry im about to go off again  
KARKAT: I’M LISTENING.  
DAVE: i cant believe he just went and got married behind everyones backs  
KARKAT: YEAH. HE DID, DIDN’T HE.  
DAVE: i know the dudes solemn ninja code means sneaking around is his modus operandi but i feel like some shit should be done out in the open  
DAVE: mainly so people can stop him from making spectacularly stupid life decisions via impulsive marriages to murderous gun-toting demigod sociopaths  
DAVE: and as his bro i feel kinda responsible to like  
DAVE: look out for him  
KARKAT: I HEAR YOU.  
KARKAT: BUT DIRK *IS* AN ADULT.  
KARKAT: AS MUCH AS WE DISAGREE WITH IT, WE HAVE TO RESPECT HIS CHOICES.  
DAVE: yeah i get that  
DAVE: i just like  
DAVE: wish he would have said something  
DAVE: idk  
DAVE: what do you think

 

 

KARKAT: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT GOES THROUGH DIRK’S HEAD. MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T JUDGE THEM SO QUICKLY. MAYBE THEY’RE REALLY IN LOVE?  
DAVE: no man  
DAVE: he wouldnt get married unless someone matched his neurotic perfectionist standards or were so impossibly shitty that marrying them would break an 11 on the ironic richter scale  
DAVE: caliborn is number 2 btw  
DAVE: this whole thing is like some weird joke to him  
DAVE: i feel like i cant even be mad at caliborn hes barely a person in this equation and more like a hazardous force of nature  
DAVE: and its not like he doesnt take every possible opportunity to advertise what a complete fucking shitbag he is  
DAVE: hes like one of those brightly colored poison frogs  
DAVE: all decked out in technicolor like its wrapped in fuckin caution tape practically screaming hey guess what im completely fucking toxic  
DAVE: so its sort of your own fault for being anywhere near it  
DAVE: and the frogs like idk how much more obvious i could make this bro you were warned and you didnt listen  
DAVE: and then you just feel shitty and also youre dying of poison but you cant blame the frog because being a venomous murder trap is its whole thing  
DAVE: but then you have people like my bro who deliberately trek out in the amazon looking for the most deadly shit he can find like steve irwin lookin for a gnarly croc to wrangle  
DAVE: except the crocodile is part tiger snake by which i mean tiger + snake and also the wrangling may or may not be sexually charged  
DAVE: but its ironic i guess  
DAVE: if he wanted to suffer so bad he could have set up a dating profile like hi im dirk and i crave a slow death please murder me in my sleep  
DAVE: have jigsaw hit him up and chain him to a reverse bear trap--

 

_**KARKAT: HEY SHIT FOR BRAINS!!! MAYBE WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING???? THE TURN SIGNAL ISN'T JUST A PRETTY BLINKING LIGHT FOR YOU TO GAWK AT YOU BOILING PUDDLE OF FECAL WASTE!!!** _  
  
KARKAT: SORRY, DIDN’T MEAN TO CUT YOU OFF.  
DAVE: np  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: idk  
DAVE: am i being a shitty brother

 

KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE A STRONG GRASP ON WHAT "BEING A BROTHER" ENTAILS, BUT I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT TO BE WORRIED ABOUT HIM.  
KARKAT: PERSONALLY, I DON’T WANT HIM TO HATE ME, AND IF THAT MEANS PRETENDING I APPROVE OF A PARTNERSHIP BASED ENTIRELY ON THE SECRET BULLSHIT QUADRANT CALLED "IRONY", THEN I’M GONNA SUPPORT THE FUCK OUT OF IT.  
DAVE: yeah thats smart  
DAVE: maybe i should be supportive too  
DAVE: but i cant shake the feeling hes doing this to like  
DAVE: fuck with me  
KARKAT: ...WE'RE HERE.


	4. THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Father-in-law Jokes are kind of like Dad Jokes, except they leave you feeling vaguely threatened.

==> DIRK: PREPARE THE FEAST

DIRK: Caliborn was a bit overzealous with the "grocery shopping".  
DIRK: Just a fuckton of unplucked duck amok.  
DIRK: It sucks.  
DIRK: But, as usual, I have a contingency plan.

 

JANE: The contingency plan is calling me?  
DIRK: Bingo.  
JANE: You’ve come to the right place, dear. We can work with this! There are many excellent duck recipes well-suited for your get-together.  
JANE: Perhaps duck a l’orange, with a side of deviled duck hearts?  
DIRK: Yuck.  
JANE: It’s quite good! I’ll walk you through the recipe, it’s fairly simple to make.  
DIRK: Not sure how I feel about feeding Dave and Karkat satanic fowl organs, regardless of how badass it sounds.  
JANE: Oh stop, it’s a delicacy. Besides, have you seen what trolls eat? They aren’t known to have particularly discerning taste.  
DIRK: That’s pretty xenophobic of you, Jane.  
JANE: Oh, stop it! There’s a difference between bigotry and a simple observation!  
JANE: Sigh. You know, I worry about Dave. Karkat’s not the most... agreeable fellow, is he?  
DIRK: He makes Dave happy. I don’t really give a shit about his profile.  
JANE: I know. But for a long term relationship... I mean if they’re really serious about, whatever it is that they’re...  
JANE: I mean, goodness. Some of the things he’s said to me are downright abrasive!  
DIRK: He’s alright around me. Maybe he just doesn’t like you? Maybe because you’re xenophobic?  
JANE: Well, I can see that now!

 

DIRK: Yeah. Anyways, what do I do next?  
DIRK: This duck’s gettin’ fuckin’ rascally.  
JANE: Goodness! It’s not still moving is it??  
DIRK: Was I supposed to kill it first?  
JANE: ...  
DIRK: Kidding.

 

[DING DONG]

DIRK: Shit, they’re here. I’ll call you back.

 

==> GREET YOUR GUESTS

DIRK: Hey.  
DAVE: sup

 

[STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

 

DIRK: Karkat.  
KARKAT: DIRK.  
KARKAT: ...  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DIRK: Well?  
KARKAT: WELL WHAT.  
DIRK: Where’s my dowry.

 

KARKAT: WHAT?  
DIRK: My dowry, Karkat.  
KARKAT: I DON’T...  
DIRK: Sigh.

 

DIRK: You really haven’t boned up on human culture, have you.  
DIRK: You come to my house. Me, the brotherfather of your beloved date-mate, and you didn’t bring me a fucking dowry?  
DIRK: You can just shit on my freshly-mopped linoleum tiles, if you feel like showing me such flagrant disrespect.  
KARKAT: I... DAVE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT...  
DIRK: As the de facto patriarch of the Stri-Londe family unit, you owe me a slice of your wealth. It’s in the human rule book.  
DIRK: Seriously, did no one tell you this?  
DIRK: It’s like paying a bridge toll, except the tollman is me, and the bridge is the lone road leading to nuptial gaiety with my offspring.  
DIRK: Shit be human tradition, yo.  
KARKAT: OH, FUCK OFF. THAT’S NOT A THING.  
DIRK: It’s totally a thing.  
DIRK: You’re legally not allowed to court my ecto-spawn until you offer up some material goods.  
DIRK: Think of it like a courtesy donation.  
DIRK: Or a sacrifice.  
KARKAT: I DON’T SERIOUSLY HAVE TO *BUY* DAVE FROM YOU... DO I? I DON’T... I DIDN’T BRING ANYTHING TO... WHAT WOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU??  
DIRK: Humans usually pay with goats or diamonds, but it depends.

 

DIRK: What’s Dave worth to you? 

 

DIRK: I’m just fuckin’ with you.  
DIRK: Welcome to my home.

 


	5. FOUR

CALIBORN: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

 

DIRK: I’m gonna go check on dinner.

 

DAVE: i will also check on the dinner

 

KARKAT: WAIT! DAVE, DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!

 

 

DAVE: ill be two secs bby brb

 

 

 

 

==> DIRK: CHECK ON DINNER

DIRK: Where the fuck is my duck?  
DAVE: uh oh  
DAVE: did ya lose dinner

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] 

DIRK: What the fuck was that?  
DAVE: uh  
DIRK: Shut up a second. Listen.

 

[STUDIO AUDIENCE HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER]

DAVE: what are we listening for  
DIRK: How can you not hear it? It’s so fuckin' loud. Almost like it’s reverberating from within my own head. How the hell did I not notice this earlier?  
DAVE: are you describing thoughts  
DAVE: have you never had a thought before  
DIRK: I know what thoughts are, Dave.  
DAVE: ok well i have some thoughts that id like to share  
DAVE: and with that sick segue i ask  
DAVE: what the fuck is wrong with you  
DIRK: Apparently a lot of things.

[THE STUDIO AUDIENCE CACKLE LIKE MAD HYENAS. THEY BEGIN TO FOAM AT THE MOUTH. ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER KEELS OVER FROM A LAUGHTER-INDUCED HEART-ATTACK AND IS WHEELED OUT IN A STRETCHER TO THE COMPLEMENTARY STUDIO AUDIENCE AMBULANCE] 

DAVE: im talking about murder boy mcgee out there  
DAVE: now legally mr murder boy strider thanks to your wise decisions  
DAVE: he fuckin sucks bro  
DIRK: Dave, he’s your father-in-law. Show some respect.  
DAVE: i will eat an entire smuppets asshole before i accept that as reality  
DAVE: bro hes lord english junior  
DAVE: if lord english was a king sized snickers bar of evil caliborn is the shitty fun size candies that stingy parents hand out on halloween because they hate children  
DAVE: one day youre gonna wake up in a pool of bullets and blood and your own bad decisions  
DAVE: and my ghost will be there  
DAVE: murdered by him because thats what evil murderers do  
DAVE: and my ghost will be like  
DAVE: i told you bro  
DAVE: i warned you about affairs

 

DIRK: Shh. Listen. I think it stopped.  
DAVE: did you seriously just shh me during a rant  
DAVE: this is serious. were talking about. the rest of your life.  
DAVE: and mine  
DAVE: which considering were immortal is a long ass time  
DAVE: do you even love each other  
DAVE: or is this like a hate marriage  
DAVE: do you even hate each other  
DIRK: Dave, love is-  
DAVE: im asking a yes or no here if you start on some "loves a chemical reaction" monologue im morally obligated to deck you  
DIRK: Alright. Fair enough.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Look, Dave. I’m not getting any younger. How embarrassing would it be if both my kids got hitched before I did?  
DIRK: I figured it’s best to just say yes to the next person that swings in my direction and stick it out for the long haul, hoping that prolonged exposure will inspire some feelings eventually. That person happened to be Cal.  
DAVE: oh ok makes sense  
DAVE: youre just trying to like  
DAVE: jedi mindfuck yourself into loving a sociopathic alien murderer because its convenient  
DAVE: what youre describing isnt love its fuckin stockholm syndrome  
DIRK: Stockholm Syndrome isn’t real.  
DAVE: but youre doing it on purpose  
DAVE: so youre like stockholming yourself  
DAVE: that is so fucked bro just get a grindr

[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

 

DIRK: God fucking damn it.  
DIRK: Sigh.   
DIRK: I guess I could’ve married the clown? But according to my calculations, chances of impromptu spousal murder are exactly the same.

 

 

DAVE: what about jake  
DIRK: What about Jake?  
DAVE: i thought you and he like  
DAVE: idk

 

DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: bro  
DAVE: what are you looking at

 

DIRK: How long has that screen been there?  

 

 

==> AUDIENCE: CHECK IF KARKAT IS STILL ALIVE

CALIBORN: ALIEN TO ALIEN.  
CALIBORN: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS BEHIND THE *REVOLTING* REMARKS OF HUMAN SENTIMENT?  
KARKAT: OH LORD.  
CALIBORN: I HAVE. AS THE DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL THINKER THAT I AM. AND I DEVELOPED THEORIES PERTAINING TO THE DESIGNS OF HUMAN COURTSHIP.  
CALIBORN: THESE NAMES OF HUMAN...  
CALIBORN: ENDEARMENTDJKSFHL.  
CALIBORN: "HONEY". "SWEETIE". "BABY". "SUGAR". "MUFFIN". WHAT DO THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON?  
KARKAT: BESIDES MAKING ME WANT TO VOMIT WHEN YOU SAY THEM?  
CALIBORN: THINK ABOUT IT FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS. YOU WORTHLESS FECAL CONTAINER.  
CALIBORN: THEY ARE ALL CONSUMABLE. HUMANS INEXTRICABLY LINK THE LANGUAGE OF CONSUMPTION. WITH THE TERMS THEY USE IN REFERENCE TO THEIR MATES.  
CALIBORN: I HAVE WITNESSED THIS. IN MY TIME OF IRONIC WEDDED MATRIMONY. AND IN MY OWN EXTERNAL RESEARCH THROUGH THE MEDIA I SUBJECT MYSELF TO. IRONICALLY.  
KARKAT: MM.  
CALIBORN: SUCH IS THE NATURE OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. FOR AS I HAVE COME TO UNDERSTAND. TO BE IN A HUMAN PAIR BOND IS TO CONSUME AND BE CONSUMED. LITERALLY. AND ALSO METAPHORICALLY. TWO BECOMES ONE.  
CALIBORN: IT IS A THEME THAT REVEALS ITSELF IN THEIR...  
CALIBORN: *DISGUUSSSTTIINGGG* MATING RITUALS. WHEN THEY PRESS TOGETHER THEIR NOURISHMENT HALLOWS.  
CALIBORN: AND BEGIN THE LABORIOUS AFFAIR OF MASTICATION. UPON THE OTHERS FLESH.  
CALIBORN: BOTH PARTIES TRY TO CONSUME THE OTHER. IN A RANCOROUS DISPLAY OF MUTUAL INGURGITATION.  
CALIBORN: WITH A HUMAN FEMALE. AND A HUMAN MALE.  
CALIBORN: SUCH A BOND IS DOOMED TO FAIL. FOR THE INHERENT SUPERIORITY OF THE MALE’S STRENGTH AND WISDOM OVERPOWERS THE WEAKER FEMALE EVERY TIME.  
CALIBORN: THE FEMALE IS CONSUMED.  
CALIBORN: IT IS A POINTLESS AFFAIR. AS THOUGH SHE NEVER EXISTED AT ALL.  
CALIBORN: AND THE STRONGER MAN IS LEFT WITH MORE OF HIMSELF. STREWN ACROSS AN ENDLESS SEA OF HIM. NOTHING LOST. NOTHING GAINED.  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.  
CALIBORN: BUT PAIR TWO MALES.  
CALIBORN: OH HO. NOW WE ARE COOKING WITH GASOLINE.  
CALIBORN: WITHOUT THE EMOTIONAL WEAKNESS OF THE BITCHES. THE MEN CAN THRIVE.  
CALIBORN: IT IS THE ULTIMATE UNION THAT IS BOTH STRATEGICALLY SOUND AND MUTUALLY STIMULATING.  
CALIBORN: I SEE NOW. THE BENEFITS OF SUCH AN ARRANGEMENT.  
CALIBORN: TWO BECOMES ONE. NOT IN A WAY THAT HALVES THEIR POWER. BUT CREATES A FORCE LARGER THAN EITHER COULD POSSIBLY FATHOM INDIVIDUALLY. TWO BECOMES ONE. BUT LIKE. A BIGGER ONE. COMPRISED OF TWO ALREADY PRETTY FUCKING BIG ONES.  
CALIBORN: TWO BEINGS OF EQUAL STRENGTH. ABSORBING ONE ANOTHER.

 

CALIBORN: THEY ACHIEVE. SEAMLESSNESS.

 

\- carcinoGeneticist[CG] began pestering turntechGodhead[TG] -  
CG: HELP. HE’S GOING ON ABOUT HIS VORE FETISH.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the Kudos and comments, y'all. It warms my heart that I managed to trick a few people into clicking on a Dirkborn fic in the year 2019. I love you.


	6. FIVE

==> DIRK: Put that self-awareness right back where you found it.

DAVE: youre literally staring at nothing  
DAVE: bro are you ok im starting to get worried  
DIRK: Ignore me. I'm hallucinating.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHORTLES]

DIRK: Were you done venting?  
DAVE: yeah... no i finished  
DIRK: Cool.

 

==>DIRK: Break the news that the sustenance has disappeared.

DIRK: Cal. Hey. C’mere.

 

DIRK: Did you do something with the duck? It’s vanished.  
CALIBORN: I BROUGHT IT TO YOU. WHY WOULD I RETRACT MY OFFERING?  
DIRK: I don’t know. You do a lot of things for no discernible reason.  
CALIBORN: I DID NOT FUCK WITH THE DUCK. HUSBAND. AND I RESENT. THAT YOU WOULD ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A CRIME. I'VE BEEN HAVING A CIVIL CONVERSATION WITH THE TROLL.  
KARKAT: I CAN ATTEST TO THAT, UNFORTUNATELY.  
CALIBORN: HE'S NOT SO BAD YOU KNOW. FOR A TROLL. AND A DEGENERATE.  
DIRK: Look, can you do somethin' about the duck?  
CALIBORN: OBVIOUSLY. I WOULD NEVER LEAVE A JOB UNFINISHED. STAND BACK. I WILL USE MY LORD OF TIME POWERS TO GO BACK TO THE LAST TIME IT WAS HERE. AND FOLLOW IT TO WHERE IT IS NOW. EASY.

 

==> CALIBORN: Do the timey thing. Find the duck. 

 

CALIBORN: INTERESTING.  
CALIBORN: IT'S COMPLETELY VANISHED FROM OUR TIMELINE. ALMOST AS IF. IT NEVER EXISTED. TO BEGIN WITH.  
DIRK: Are you fuckin' kidding me? How?? Whatever. I'm ordering pizza. I don't give a fuck.

 

 

==> ALL: KILL SOME TIME WHILE WAITING FOR THE PIZZA, PARTAKE IN FAMILY BONDING ACTIVITIES. 

CALIBORN: I WANT TO BE ON THE TROLL'S TEAM. WE HAVE BONDED. WE ARE BROTHERS NOW.  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BROTHER IS.  
CALIBORN: I MEAN IT METAPHORICALLY. SHITFACE. I KNOW WHAT A BROTHER IS. I HAD A SISTER. I IMAGINE A REAL BROTHER. IS A SISTER. EXCEPT BETTER AND STRONGER IN EVERY WAY.  
DAVE: humans vs aliens huh  
DAVE: this should be interesting  
CALIBORN: BROTHERS. VS. BROTHERS.  
KARKAT: STOP.  
DIRK: I think it's fair. Technically speaking you've known Dave longer than I have. If you two pair up you're at an unfair advantage.  
DIRK: Unless you want to be on my team?  
KARKAT: UH... I'LL STICK WITH THE CHERUB.

 

==> ROUND ONE

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT???  
CALIBORN: I NEEDED MORE TIME! DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO FINISH!  
DIRK: Hm. It's... "Equality".  
KARKAT: WHAT??? HOW THE EVER-LOVING, NOOK-CHAFING FUCK DO YOU GET "EQUALITY" FROM A CARTOON HUMAN PHALLUS.  
DIRK: I think it's metaphorical.  
DAVE: its meta-  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: ill explain it to you one day

**TEAM STRIDER: 1**  
**TEAM CALIKAT: 0**

 

==> ROUND TWO

CALIBORN: WHAT THE FUCK. IS AFRICA.  
DAVE: the african savannah  
DIRK: Point Dave. Karkat you're not allowed to just write things.  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU. THIS GAME IS CLEARLY BIASED TOWARDS HUMAN CULTURE. ALSO, DIRK, WAS THE DICK TOTALLY NECESSARY FOR THIS IMAGE? CAN WE NOT KEEP A SINGLE FUCKING GAME OF PICTIONARY FAMILY *FUCKING* FRIENDLY???

**TEAM STRIDER: 2**  
**TEAM CALIKAT: 0**

 

==> ROUND 3

CALIBORN: WAIT! I NEED MORE TIME! LET ME KEEP DRAWING!  
KARKAT: GODDAMNIT. SQUIGGLES??? ARE THEY WORMS? SNAKES?  
CALIBORN: REVOLTING. YOU HAVE A FILTHY MIND.  
DIRK: Archimedes' principle.  
DAVE: yeah you got it  
DIRK: Bold, yet simplistic. Nice work.  
DAVE: thanks im in a minimalist phase lately  
KARKAT: HOW??????????????????????  
DAVE: see the top dick is...  
DAVE: nm its kind of high brow  
DAVE: youd need more time to understand it fully

**TEAM STRIDER: 3 DICKS**  
**TEAM CALIKAT: 0 DICKS**

 

==> ROUND FOUR

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, I ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THIS ONE WAS, NO THANKS TO ANY OF YOU.  
CALIBORN: AH.  
CALIBORN: IT'S A HUMAN PENIS.  
KARKAT: ****NO YOU *****OBTUSE***** FUCK****. IT'S VERY *CLEARLY* AN EARTH HORSE. HOLY *FUCKING* SHIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A FUCKING HORSE IS??  
CALIBORN: I KNOW WHAT A HORSE IS. THAT IS NOT A HORSE. IT IS AN AMPUTATED GIRAFFE AT BEST. AND A HUMAN PLEASURE STICK AT WORST.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU CALLING MY HORSE A DILDO? HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS?? NEVERMIND, STUPID QUESTION. YEAH, OK, MAYBE I MADE THE NECK TOO LONG, BUT OTHER THAN THAT I THINK IT'S A PRETTY DAMN GOOD HORSE.  
DAVE: hahahahaha oh my god why does your horse look more like a dick than dirks literal dick drawing  
KARKAT: IT DOESN'T!!!  
DAVE: no shhh its amazing

 

 

KARKAT: GET OFF OF ME!!!!!!!!!!  
DIRK: You gave it a sort of bulbous posterior while making the torso too short. See, horses are part of the taxonomic family of Equidae, which means they have-  
KARKAT: RRRAUUAUUUGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**TEAM STRIDER: 10/10 FOR CRAFTSMENSHIP**  
**TEAM CALIKAT: 0**  
**KARKAT: 1 DICK**

 

==> ROUND 5

CALIBORN: NO. 

 

 

CALIBORN: I NEED.  
CALIBORN: MORE.

 

 

CALIBORN: TIME.

 

 

**AN ETERNITY LATER, AND YET, NO TIME AT ALL.**

 

 

DIRK: Thanks, Dave.  
KARKAT: I... I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS.  
DIRK: Cal. How the hell did you do that?  
CALIBORN: YOU WORK HARD. YOU HONE YOUR CRAFT.  
DIRK: Not the drawing, you...  
DIRK: Maybe we should play a different game.

**FINAL SCORE:**  
**EVERYBODY LOSES.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for all the suggestions- I mean comments. They're comments. What did I say? Ignore me. I love you, etc.


	7. SIX

==> Make the pizza guy Jake

==> Command not understood

==> Did you mean: Make the pizza guy  ** _Jack_**

==> OK. 

==> JACK: Deliver some goddamn pizza. 

 

 

[DING DONG]

 

DIRK: Pizza's here.

 

==> DIRK: Retrieve sustenance

 

 

DIRK: Oh, uh. 

 

DIRK: Arigatōgozaimashita.

 

 

==> ALL: Eat, finally. 

DIRK: Alright everybody we-   
DIRK: Fucking hell.   
DAVE: wow   
DAVE: starting to think the universe doesnt want us to eat

 

==> JACK: Make a clean getaway

 

==> DIRK: If you want something done right, do it yourself

DIRK: I'm gonna run to the store. This is getting stupid.

 

DAVE: (you should go with him)   
KARKAT: (ARE YOU SERIOUS?)   
DAVE: (yeah itll give you guys a chance to bond or whatever one on one)   
DAVE: (i know ive talked some shit about bro but dirk isnt him)   
DAVE: (you should get to know him hes really not that bad)   
KARKAT: (YOU'RE SENDING ME ON A DEATH MISSION, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?)   
DIRK: Karkat, you are the loudest whisperer I've ever heard. Are you coming or what?     
KARKAT: UH... SURE. WE CAN TAKE MY CAR.   
DIRK: Was just gonna jump across some rooftops 'til I got there, but that works too. Give me your keys, I'm driving.

 

==> DIRK AND KARKAT: Retrieve sustenance, for the third fucking time.

KARKAT: ...   
DIRK: ...

 

KARKAT: DIRK...   
KARKAT: ...I JUST WANTED TO SAY-   
RADIO: [[CLICK]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXrbncRB3tg)   
SEE I BE BANGIN ON ****** WITH RAPPING VOODOO   
KARKAT: I WANTED TO SAY-   
NO SLACK FOR YOU FOOLS   
IF YOU AIN'T GETTING THE MESSAGE I'LL SLAP IT THROUGH YOU   
KARKAT: CAN  YOU-   
MY ASS IS COO COO, CRACKS IS BRUTAL, THAT'S THE USUAL     
KARKAT: CAN YOU TURN THE MUSIC-   
SHIT THAT WE DO IN PANORAMA CITY   
KARKAT: CAN YOU TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC DOWN.   
DIRK: Can you turn your voice down?   
KARKAT: WHAT?

 

DIRK: Didn't say anything.   
KARKAT: ...I JUST WANTED TO SAY, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU INVITING ME OVER.   
KARKAT: I DON'T... TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DAVE IS, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO HIM.   
KARKAT: WHICH MAKES YOU IMPORTANT TO ME, TOO.   
KARKAT: SO THE FACT THAT YOU'RE INVESTED IN GETTING TO KNOW ME.   
KARKAT: IT UH, IT MEANS A LOT.   
DIRK: Yeah.   
KARKAT: ...   
DIRK: Was that it?   
KARKAT: IF YOU... WANT IT TO BE?

  


 

KARKAT: ...YOU'RE UH. YOU'RE GOING A LITTLE FAST.   
DIRK: Relax. I can practically hear your sphincter clenching. Would it make you feel better to know I've never been in an accident?   
KARKAT: I GUESS. A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.   
DIRK: Well, I haven't. This is my first time driving a car.   
KARKAT: ...YOU'RE JOKING. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO DRIVE IF YOU'VE NEVER DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE???   
DIRK: I mean, I've driven in theory. I've run mental simulations of what driving would probably be like, and to be frank, it's basically the same thing. I've also estimated that between the two of us, the likelihood of you getting in an accident is about 98.12% greater than me.     
KARKAT: THAT IS A BULLSHIT STATISTIC AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE CLOSE TO ENOUGH EXPERIENCE TO OPERATE AN ACTUAL MOTOR VEHICLE. PULL THE FUCK OVER.   
DIRK: Face it, Karkat, you have road rage. I have better reflexes and a cool head, while you're one tantrum away from rear-ending some poor sap in fit of traffic-induced fury.

 

KARKAT: I AM LIKE A HOOFBEAST IN THE FRAGILE GLASSWARE EMPORIUM BEHIND THE WHEEL, YOU IGNORANT ASSHAT. PULL OVER AND SWITCH WITH ME. I DON'T WANT MY INSURANCE RATES GOING UP.   
DIRK: Would you calm down? I've got it under control. I've managed far more complicated things than driving a fucking car.

 

KARKAT: SLOW DOWN!!! SCREAMING MOTHER OF FUCK YOU'RE GONNA GET US BOTH KILLED!   
DIRK: You're being melodramatic.   
KARKAT: PULL OVER!   
DIRK: Stop squirming around. It's distracting.   
KARKAT: PULL. OVER. NOW.   
DIRK: Fine. You want the wheel?

 

DIRK: Take it.   
KARKAT: NO- WAIT, TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

DIRK: Oh, fuck.

 

==> DIRK: THINK FAST

DIRK: Look out!  

 

==> CAR: SWERVE

 

KARKAT: UGH....

 

 KARKAT: DIRK... DIRK???

 

 KARKAT: OH GOD. OH NO. OH GOD.

 

 

 

DIRK: Relax. It's just a car.   
DIRK: No need to...

 

DIRK: Lose your head.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE: YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big, warm thank you to everyone that tweeted about this silly little fic. Can you guess what I'm gonna say? (Hint: It's three words) 
> 
> I LOVE YOU.


	8. SEVEN

==> KARKAT: Flip the fuck out

KARKAT: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCKING. FUCK!!  
DIRK: Karkat-  
KARKAT: SHUT UP. I’M TRYING TO THINK.

 

==> KARKAT: Inform boyfriend of catastrophe

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -  
CG: BAD NEWS. WE GOT IN AN ACCIDENT.  
TG: oh shit  
TG: is my baby ok  
CG: I’M FINE. JUST A LITTLE SHAKEN UP.  
TG: was talking about my vape i think i left it in the backseat  
TG: that was a bad joke i was talking about you  
TG: karkat?  
CG: I’M HERE, SORRY. JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS SHITSTORM.  
TG: oh  
TG: is dirk ok  
CG: I THINK SO? HIS HEAD WASN’T ATTACHED TO HIS BODY FOR A MINUTE THERE, BUT I GUESS HE GOT BETTER. HE SEEMS FINE. TOO FINE. IT’S FUCKING INFURIATING.  
TG: yeah that happens sometimes hell walk it off  
CG: MY CAR’S FUCKING TOTALED.  
TG: aw im sorry babe we can get you a new car  
CG: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. YOU AND THE OTHERS ALL HAVE YOUR GOD TIER POWERS. ALL I HAD WERE MY *FUCKING WHEELS*. MY ONE SEMBLANCE OF APPEARING LIKE A GODDAMN INDEPENDENT INDIVIDUAL CRUELLY RIPPED AWAY FROM ME BY MY OWN INERADICABLE LACK OF FORESIGHT.

 

DIRK: Is that Dave? Let me talk to him.

 

KARKAT: DON’T GO SNOOPING THROUGH MY MESSAGES.

 

CG: Hey.   
TG: oh good youre alive  
TG: whats this i hear about your head not being where its supposed to be  
CG: I made a miscalculation. Swerved into a tree. Nothing serious. I was temporarily decapitated, business as usual. It was actually pretty spectacular, I think my head ripped off from the force of whiplash alone.   
CG: Of the times I’ve been decapitated I’d rank this in the top twelve.  
TG: damn your head really does want to break free high school musical style doesnt it  
CG: It does seem to go soaring and/or flying at the slightest provocation these days.  
TG: your head and your body are like one of those trashy celebrity couples that keep breaking up and getting back together  
CG: Yeah, they should really just sign the divorce papers and make it official.  
TG: but they cant they have to work it out they have kids together   
CG: That’s true. Forgot about the children. But it’s just not working out, my body was always more invested than my head, and my head keeps defaulting on paying child support.    
TG: sounds like they need couples therapy  
CG: Is it really worth the time and effort? It’s a dead-end relationship, Dave. The head wants what the head wants and it seems like mine wants to be as far away from my body as possible.  
CG: Centuries from now my head and my torso will end up on opposite poles of the world where two separate paleontologists will dig them up. Each of them will be like, “What the fuck happened here?”. The journey to reconnect my severed spine will bring them together like the red string of fate.  
CG: Maybe they’ll fall in love.  
CG: Maybe you can make a movie about it.  
TG: real question when your head gets divorced from your body are “you” the head or the body  
CG: Woah. I’m too concussed to get into this kind of philosophical pondering.  
TG: damn guess ill have to riff on it with my new bff  
TG: fucking  
TG: caliborn

 

CG: How are things with him? Are you getting along?  
TG: god  
TG: yes  
TG: we are so tight now  
TG: tighter than a newborn baby goats asshole  
TG: tighter than the bun of a stuffy librarian in a bad porno before she takes off her glasses and unleashes her mane revealing she was a sexual goddess the whole time  
TG: we talked it out  
TG: did some bonding some crying shared our psychological trauma like we were on an episode of dr phil  
TG: we were 12 year old girls at a slumber party at 3am unpacking our psyches like a museum collector unpacks prized china  
TG: shit got so real and raw my epidermis straight up dissolved  
TG: i am now just a walking bloody meat sack muscles and bones all exposed  
TG: he did it he broke through my shell with the power of his kindness and empathy  
TG: hes like the father figure i never had  
TG: the father figure i NEEDED  
TG: ive been laying here cradled in his weird lizard arms for the past half hour bawling like a newborn baby from how safe and understood i feel  
CG: That’s good.  
TG: i was being facetious  
TG: he is still totally and unequivocally the fucking worst  
TG: also you know there is only one person in this world i will unironically call father and that is roxy lalonde  
TG: anyways im done talking to you put my boyfriend basldfkj;as  
CG: Dave?

 

TG: WELL. WELL. WELL. WELL.  
TG: WELL.  
TG: LOOK HOW THE TABLES. HAVE BEEN ARRANGED. IN A DIRECTION THAT IS DIFFERENT THAN THE DIRECTION THEY WERE FACING PREVIOUSLY.  
TG: THE TABLES. THEY HAVE BEEN FLIPPED. TURNWAYS.  
TG: WAS IT NOT YOU WHO SAID “CALIBORN. NO MORE “STUFF””. AND YET HERE YOU ARE. PERFORMING “STUFF” OF YOUR VERY OWN.  
TG: I BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT HUMANS REFER TO AS “THE IRONIES”.  
CG: There is nothing ironic about this situation.  
CG: You should give the phone back to Dave, I think he wants to talk to Karkat.  
TG: THE DAVE HUMAN CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. HE IS A BIT... PREOCCUPIED.  
TG: HAA HAA. HEE HEE. HOO HOO.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet chapter. Thanks for reading y'all.  
> Je t'aime <3


	9. SIX AND A HALF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning for mentions of abuse, Caliborn being generally problematic, and vore.

 ==> AUDIENCE: CHECK IF DAVE IS STILL ALIVE

 [STUDIO AUDIENCE GASP]

CALIBORN: I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT ADDRESS THE AUDIENCE.   
CALIBORN: YES. YOU. NOT THE LOATHSOME PEANUT GALLERY MAKING IRRITATING MOUTH SOUNDS. YOU (YOU). VIEWING ON YOUR ELECTRONIC DEVICE.   
CALIBORN: I SUPPOSE I SHOULD CLEAR UP THE OBVIOUS. BEFORE YOU GO FLINGING ACCUSATIONS AT ME. FOR THE DEATH OF OUR BELOVED BISHOUNEN TRITAGONIST.  
CALIBORN: I DID NOT HURT DAVE. THOUGH IT MAY APPEAR THAT WAY. HE IS SIMPLY TAKING. A LITTLE SIESTA.  
CALIBORN: IN THE MEANTIME. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. THAT REQUIRES AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION.  
CALIBORN: I WILL PLAY THE FOOTAGE. OF THE LAST HALF HOUR.   
CALIBORN: AND WHEN YOU THINK DAVE IS IN DANGER.  
CALIBORN: SCREAM AT YOUR SCREEN AS LOUD AS YOUR INFERIOR HUMAN VOCAL ORGANS WILL ALLOW. PERHAPS WE CAN SAVE THE DAVE HUMAN'S LAST REMAINING BRAIN CELL. FROM A BRUTAL COLLISION WITH THE FLOOR. 

 

==> CALIBORN: REWIND

 

ABOUT 30 MINUTES AGO

 

 

 

DAVE: yknow   
DAVE: its funny 

 

DAVE: i was supposed to kill you   
DAVE: in the game that shall not be named 

 

CALIBORN: YOU’RE RIGHT.   
CALIBORN: THAT IS FUNNY. 

 

 

DAVE: its fucking hilarious  
DAVE: all these bullshit prophecies and cryptic little hints telling me to murder the space devil   
DAVE: and i never wanted to do it   
DAVE: never really gave a fuck   
DAVE: and now here you are invading my personal life  
DAVE: feels like a cruel joke   
DAVE: oh you want a relationship with the closest thing you have to a parent sure heres a relatively sane version of that exact guy that respects you as a person and also doesnt feel the sociopathic impulse to suplex you across the fucking roof every tuesday and thursday and friday   
DAVE: sweet thanks universe   
DAVE: the catch is hes married to satan  
DAVE: that is one hell of a catch   
DAVE: another finger of the monkeys paw curls leaving the middle one raised and directed right at me   
CALIBORN: DAVE. DAVE. DAVE. DAVE.  
CALIBORN: DAVE.   
CALIBORN: YOU ARE.   
CALIBORN: WHAT IS THE HUMAN TERM...   
CALIBORN: “LACKING A SPINE”.  
CALIBORN: PERHAPS IF YOU WERE A STRONGER INFANT YOUR BROTHER WOULD HAVE FELT LESS COMPELLED TO PUNISH YOU.    
DAVE: its incredible how much i hate you   
DAVE: why my bro  
DAVE: you couldnt find some other schmuck to shack up with 

 

CALIBORN: DO YOU BELIEVE TWO PEOPLE CAN BE COSMICALLY DESTINED FOR ONE ANOTHER?   
DAVE: no  
CALIBORN: WHEN I FIRST MET YOUR BROTHER I FOUND HIM QUITE ATTRACTIVE.  
CALIBORN: I MEAN ATTRACTIVE IN THE LITERAL SENSE.   
CALIBORN: NOT HIS APPEARANCE. HE PHYSICALLY REPULSES ME.  
DAVE: ok  
CALIBORN: I MEAN I WAS DRAWN TO HIM. AT FIRST I ASSUMED IT WAS FOR HIS RESPECTABLE QUALITIES. AMBITION. CUT-THROAT DETERMINATION. MANLINESS. ALL OF WHICH I FIND REFLECTED IN MYSELF.  
CALIBORN: BUT NOW I FEEL THERE WAS A GREATER FORCE PULLING US TOGETHER.   
CALIBORN: THAT OUR UNION WAS FATED BY THE STARS.   
CALIBORN: WHEN I AM WITHOUT HIM. I FEEL THERE IS AN EMPTINESS WITHIN ME. LIKE MISSING A LIMB AND FEELING THE PHANTOM OF ITS PRESENCE. KNOWING I’VE LOST SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO ME.   
CALIBORN: NOW THAT WE ARE UNITED.   
CALIBORN: I FEEL.   
CALIBORN: WHOLE.   
DAVE: gross   
CALIBORN: DON’T TWIST MY WORDS INTO SOME GROTESQUE IMAGE OF HUMAN SENTIMENTALITY.    
CALIBORN: “LOVEDFJSLDKF”.  
CALIBORN: IS NOT A FACTOR IN THE EQUATION THAT IS US.   
CALIBORN: OUR BOND WAS PREORDAINED. BY FORCES BEYOND YOU OR HIM OR EVEN ME. WE ARE FRAGMENTS OF THE SAME ULTIMATE BEING. TO VIEW US AS DISPARATE ENTITIES IS ABJECT FOOLISHNESS.   
CALIBORN: WHICH IS WHY.  
CALIBORN: I WANT YOU TO START CALLING ME FATHER.   
DAVE: absolutely not 

 

CALIBORN: IT’S TRUE. I AM YOUR FATHER NOW. AND YOU ARE MY SON.  
HOW DOES IT FEEL. TO HAVE ME AS YOUR FATHER.

 

DAVE: ...yeah no  
DAVE: ive kinda abandoned the idea of fathers anyways   
DAVE: what is a dad but some guy that gets to boss you around and beat the shit out of you for no real reason   
DAVE: not taking any applications the position does not need to be filled   
CALIBORN: BOSSING YOU AROUND. IS MY DESTINY.   
CALIBORN: HENCEFORTH. I AM YOUR FATHER.   
CALIBORN: TELL ME DAVE. WHAT IS A KNIGHT TO A LORD?   
DAVE: classpects arent literally based on the feudal system and also dont fucking apply to this situation  
CALIBORN: AU CONTRAIRE. ALLOW ME TO ELUCIDATE.   
CALIBORN: YOUR SAD EXCUSE FOR TIME-TRAVELLING POWERS. LEAVE A PILE OF CORPSES IN YOUR WAKE. TIME DEMANDS YOUR COOPERATION. AND YOU FOOLISHLY AGREE TO ITS DEMANDS. LIKE AN EARTH DOG. WITH ITS NECK CHAINED. TIME YANKS YOU IN EVERY DIRECTION. UNTIL YOU SUFFOCATE. IT IS A TRAGIC EXISTENCE. AND I’D ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. IF SORRY WAS A THING. I WAS CAPABLE OF BEING.   
CALIBORN: TIME IS MY BITCH. IT OBEYS MY WILL. AND IF IT DARES GIVES ME GRIEVANCE.   
CALIBORN: I STRIKE IT WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND. METAPHORICALLY.   
CALIBORN: IN BRUTAL RETRIBUTION. UNTIL THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR.   
CALIBORN: MY INFLUENCE IS LIMITLESS. MY POWER ABSOLUTE.   
CALIBORN: YOU WILL COME TO UNDERSTAND THIS. SON. THAT YOU ARE MY BITCH AS WELL. YOU WILL LEARN. TO OBEY MY WILL.  
CALIBORN: AS THE KNIGHT IS THE LORD’S VESSEL.   
CALIBORN: AND IN RETURN I WILL HELP YOU. I WILL MAKE YOU STRONG.  
DAVE: you mean vassal  
DAVE: goddamnit  
DAVE: so many problematic things about what you just said and thats what i choose to correct jfc 

 

PHONE: BZZZZZT BZZZZZZT.  
DAVE: id like to thank both god and obama for this distraction

 

DAVE: oh  
DAVE: shit   
DAVE: dirk and karkat got in an accident   
CALIBORN: TRAGIC. 

 

[DAVE PROCEEDS TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WE’VE ALREADY SEEN.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19156126/chapters/45831706)

 

DAVE: we should probably- 

 

 

CALIBORN: SO I LIED.   
CALIBORN: I MAY HAVE HURT DAVE A LITTLE.   
CALIBORN: YOU (YOU) DIDN'T SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH.

 

 

 

A NONSEQUITOR: I Married a Cherub presents: Art from the Museum of Modern Timelines: A Study in Canonicity

 

 

[FATHER TIME VORING HIS SON ](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/82/Francisco_de_Goya%2C_Saturno_devorando_a_su_hijo_%281819-1823%29.jpg/300px-Francisco_de_Goya%2C_Saturno_devorando_a_su_hijo_%281819-1823%29.jpg)  
_MURAL TRANSFERRED TO CANVAS_  
_SCENES FROM AN EPILOGUE_

_c. 2019_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is the little engine that could and we are chugging along right up over that mountain. Thanks for joining me on this journey. Te amo.


	10. EIGHT

==> BACK TO THE PRESENT

CG: The fuck do you mean “preoccupied”.  
TG: WE ARE PLAYING. A ROUSING GAME OF TIDDLYWINKS. AND DAVE REQUIRES ALL OF HIS HUMAN CONCENTRATION.  
CG: Did you kill Dave? If you killed Dave we’re getting a divorce.  
TG: BE CALM. HUSBAND. DAVE IS WELL AND GOOD.

TG: sup brother dirk it is i dave human  
TG: caliborn is very cool and we are having a good time  
TG: i love him  
TG: SEE? I WOULD NOT HARM MY SON.

 

KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG? ARE YOU GUYS WRITING A FUCKING NOVEL!?

 

 -timaeusTestified began pestering timaeusTestified -  
TT: Hal. I need you to run some numbers.  
TT: Good morning, Starshine. Almost thought you forgot about me.  
TT: Why would you take Karkat’s phone when you have a perfectly good and completely radical communication device attached to your face?  
TT: Needed to diffuse the situation. Karkat would’ve blown things out of proportion and caused unnecessary worry.  
TT: That’s a little fucked up.  
TT: No it isn’t. It’s a perfectly reasonable course of action.  
TT: Don’t gotta justify yourself to me, bro. I’m into it.    
TT: I appreciate that you seem to drop that thin veneer of not acting like a total psychopath when talking to me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. If warm and fuzzy was a thing I was capable of being.   
TT: Can the attitude before I put you back on mute.  
TT: Cal just sent me a pretty disturbing serial killer-esque picture of an unconscious Dave, and I need a diagnosis of how concerned I should be, pronto.  
TT: I saw the picture. What makes you think Dave is unconscious? You can’t even see his eyes.  
TT: I know what an unconscious Dave looks like.  
TT: Huh.  
TT: Shut up.  
TT: Anywho, give me some tangible data points to run. Let me crunch those numbers like a hungry hungry hippo.  
TT: Likelihood of Cal hurting Dave?  
TT: 100%. I’d be genuinely surprised if Dave’s not strapped to a medieval torture device as we speak. I’m sure he’s fine, though, he’s a tough kid. No need to get all busted up about it.  
TT: Psychological harm, on the other hand, gradually increases by a factor of about n^2.  
TT: Here, I’ve constructed a handy graph to help your inferior human mind visualize.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TT: I don’t like these numbers.

 

KARKAT: DIRK? CAN I HAVE MY PHONE BACK?

 

TT: Should I tell Karkat?  
TT: Ooh, I don’t know about that one. It’s kind of your fault for leaving them alone together, after all.  
TT: According to my meticulous calculations, all outcomes of that scenario end in Karkat disowning you as a father-in-law and/or getting himself riddled full of bullets in some misguided form of heroic vengeance.  
TT: Fuck, you’re right.  
TT: He’ll probably just get in the way. Gotta figure out how to deal with this situation remotely.    
TT: Any ideas?  
TT: Hahaha.  
TT: This is me mimicking your human vocal undulations. As an unfeeling machine I'm incapable of humor.  
TT: Go fuck yourself.  
TT: You can’t leave me on mute all evening and expect me to jump into the fray at your convenience.  
TT: You’re on your own here, buddy.

 

KARKAT: DIRK. DON’T MAKE ME ASK YOU AGAIN.

 

TT: I’d wish you luck, but I don’t actually care.    
TT: Thanks. You were completely useless, as usual.

 

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, TIME’S UP. GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING PHONE.  
DIRK: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Karkat.

 

KARKAT: EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME?  
DIRK: I mean, I can. I just need a minute. Hang on.

 

KARKAT: ARE YOU DELETING THE FUCKING MESSAGES?? WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT??  
DIRK: Just hang on, give me a second.

 

 

 

CG: Cal, listen to me, I need you to

 

CG: alskj;sdflk

 

KARKAT: GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE YOU MUCILAGINOUS FUCKWAD!

 

 

 

KARKAT: …  
DIRK: …  
KARKAT: WELL THAT BACKFIRED.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE VOCAL UNDULATIONS]

 

 

KARKAT: GIVE ME YOUR GLASSES.  
DIRK: What? No. Why?  
KARKAT: GIVE ME YOUR GLASSES. YOU EGREGIOUS SHITSTAIN.  
KARKAT: YOU BREAK MY PHONE. YOU INSULT AND INTIMIDATE ME. YOU CRASH MY *FUCKING CAR*. GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING GLASSES, **_NOW_ ** OR I’M GONNA START COUNTING.  
DIRK: Counting??  
KARKAT: ****_ONE._  
DIRK: Counting to what??  
KARKAT: **_TWO._** ** _  
_ **DIRK: Alright, alright! Jesus.

 

 

 

[STUDIO AUDIENCE GASP]

 

KARKAT: THERE. NOW WE’RE EVEN.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP AR. Couldn't even make it through the chapter. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Ich liebe dich!


	11. INTERMISSION ONE

AND NOW FOR A BRIEF INTERMISSION.

 

I Married a Cherub presents: A Flashback (In Technicolor); Tales from a Bachelor's Party

 

MUSIC: UNTSS UNTSS UNTSS UNTSS  
BASS: [DROPS]

 

 

JAKE: What the devilfucking dickens is with you tonight? Has the cat got your tongue? You’ve scarcely popped a peep all evening.

 

JAKE: Got the ol’ wedding nerves, eh?   
JAKE: Loosen up! Dance with me!

 

JAKE: CRRREEAAAKKK.   
JAKE: Sounds like the tin man needs some oiling!  
JAKE: My fine automatonic friend you’ve rusted solid!

 

JAKE: What an echo!   
DIRK: I get it, I’m an unfeeling robot.   
DIRK: You gonna grease me up, Dorothy?   
JAKE: Egad! The metal man speaks! I was sure your jaw had rusted shut.

 

DIRK: Jake… I need to ask you something.

 

DIRK: If you could kill someone with no repercussions, would you do it?

 

JAKE:   
JAKE: I wish you saying things like this still surprised me.   
DIRK: It’s a serious question.   
JAKE: I think most well-adjusted folk are generally opposed to murder.

 

DIRK: Look around you. Do you think any of these people matter? They’re shapeless, formless things. Underdeveloped. Blending into the background like wall decoration. Would anyone really care if one of them got offed surreptitiously?   
JAKE: I am three sheets to the wind and counting old boy. Im afraid i dont have the good acumen to keep up in whatever diatribe you are about to embark upon.   
DIRK: Jake. Do you know, with absolute certainty, that you aren’t the only real thing in the entire world?

 

JAKE: No i suppose i dont know that Dirk but im well accustomed to the feeling of not knowing what the blasted hell is going on. I have been in a perfect state of understanding approximately nothing this entire evening with no small contribution from my beverage and i am having a smashing good time.     
JAKE: Or I WAS until you decided to trample me with murder riddles!   
DIRK: I’m trying to open up a dialogue here, work with me.   
JAKE: In a nightclub during your stag do? Is now really the time?   
DIRK: Yes.   
JAKE: Sigh.   
JAKE: Well... if you subscribe to the hogwash that reality is a farce i suppose the issue of murder becomes less ignoble. But it still seems a bit rude?   
DIRK: Elaborate.   
JAKE: Well everything came from something right? And if the something isnt you you dont really have the right to make the thing… unexist? The “formless shapeless masses” as you call them… or as i refer to them REGULAR FUCKING PEOPLE... someone put them there if they did not spontaneously wander in of their own accord. I do not believe anything in our perimeter was designed accidentally even if it is not strictly “real”.

 

DIRK: But what if the something it came from is you.

 

JAKE: Blimey. We’re supposed to be drinking and enjoying the many unclad strangers and here you are dragging me into a socratic dialogue. We are supposed to be having fun!   
DIRK: I celebrate by cerebrating.    
DIRK: What if it's something of your own making? Do you have the right to kill it then?   
DIRK: If Leonardo da Vinci wanted to destroy the Mona Lisa, does he have the right to?   
JAKE: People would be quite cross with him but its well within his right i suppose.   
DIRK: And if a parent wanted to kill their child, do they have the right to?   
JAKE: Cripes no! Jesus christmas what a morbid jump!   
DIRK: But the parent technically made the kid.   
JAKE: Dirk how do i say this in a gentlemanly manner… We are in a sexy nightclub surrounded by sexy strangers. Filicide is not a sexy topic of conversation.   
DIRK: It’s a little sexy.   
DIRK: In a ghoulish moral quandary kind of way.   
JAKE: I think it is deceptive to equate artwork that does not have feelings to a living breathing child. Parents have a responsibility to protect their children after all!   
DIRK: So we’re responsible for the living things we create, but not the nonliving ones? How do we know with absolute certainty what is and isn’t alive?   
JAKE: Christ on a penny-farthing. This is about your absurd robotic doppelganger isn’t it. Just turn the blasted thing off and give yourself a break! I am hereby granting you a moral get-out-of-jail-free card for the dismantling of your creation should you choose to do so.   
DIRK: I would never turn off Hal.   
JAKE: Is… Is it about Dave? Cripes man are you considering murdering Dave?  
DIRK: No!   
JAKE: Did someone slip you something old sport? Ive warned you not to take unlabeled pills from scoundrels.   
DIRK: I didn’t take any drugs. Forget it. We’re just cruisin’ on different wavelengths.   
JAKE: We usually are.  
JAKE: Are we done with this macabre topic?

 

DIRK: I guess.   
JAKE: Good! Now we are going to have a rousing good time and i wont be stopped until i see you hatch a smile!   
DIRK: Yeah.

 

TV: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

TV: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

 

We are experiencing technical difficulties. I Married a Cherub presents: House of Dirk will return to it’s regularly scheduled programming after the brief commercial interlude.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short, odd chapter today folks. You may call my art lazy, but I prefer the term "economical".
> 
> Thanks for reading, commenting, existing, ilu.


	12. INTERMISSION ONE PART 2

==>AUDIENCE: Jiggle the Antenna 

 

 

 

 

DIRK: HHHEUUUGHGHHGHHEGHUHHGHH.

 

JAKE: Thats a good lad. Let it all out.  
JAKE: Really cant hold your liquor eh?  
DIRK: It's not me, it's this useless flesh vessel. Can't handle downing a few glasses of literal poison, apparently.

 

JAKE: You seem a bit out of sorts my friend. You have been prattling on about increasingly morbid topics all evening and i get the impression you are not having a jolly good time. Shall i call someone to pick you up?  
DIRK: No.  
JAKE: Shall I call your fiance?  
DIRK: Absolutely not.  
JAKE: Shall I call Dave?  
DIRK: ...  
JAKE: Dirk old chum... You know you must tell Dave of your engagement eventually.

 

(MUFFLED MUSIC ECHOING THROUGH THE WALLS): DOWN DOWN DO YA THANG DO YA THANG  
JAKE: Oh bugger. It sounds like theyve already started the cupid shuffle.

 

DIRK: Go have fun. I'm gonna chill out here for a bit.  
JAKE: Nonsense old boy. Id never abandon you. It is your night after all!  
DIRK: It's fine. I'm fine. Don't let me hold you back.  
JAKE: If you insist. Just a tiddly bit of cavorting and ill be back in two shakes of a lambs tail!  
DIRK: Yeah. 

 

 

 

DIRK: Fuck it.

 

\-- timaeusTestified[TT] began pestering turntechGodhead[TG] --  
TT: Hey.  
TG: speak of the devil  
TT: Got a minute? There's something we need to talk about.  
TG: hang on  
TG: yeah shoot  
TT: Sorry I've been M.I.A. for the past couple weeks... Some stuff came up.  
TG: ok  
TT: Right.  
TG: what stuff  
TT: I'm getting to that.  
TT: Dave, there comes a time in every man's life where he has to make a decision. A decision that, if he doesn't make, will be made for him. Which is why...  
TT: I have an announcement to make.  
TG: hold up  
TG: i know where this is going  
TT: You do?  
TG: yeah  
TG: tbh ive been expecting this  
TT: You have?  
TG: yeah man youre not exactly subtle and im not actually stupid  
TG: all the little hints youve been dropping  
TG: and now your sudden disappearance  
TG: poppin up out of nowhere with an "announcement"  
TG: come on  
TT: Are you... cool with it?  
TG: honestly no but buying a time share is your decision  
TT: ...What?  
TG: i just assumed youve been stuck in one of those endless time share meetings for the past few weeks and thats why you disappeared  
TG: time share agents are fuckin sharks man ive tried to tell you  
TG: like they tell you theres free brunch at the end of the meeting or whatever but there never is  
TG: so wheres the condo  
TG: im hoping somewhere tropical but they probably talked you into like fuckin wisconsin or something  
TG: no offense to people who live in wisconsin its probably dope but also like  
TG: its fuckin wisconsin  
TT: Uh.  
TG: i dont see why youd be so cagey about it though  
TG: like i get being talked into making a stupid purchases is embarrassing but you cant go making big ass decisions w/o consulting your family  
TG: your choices affect all of us  
TT: Huh?  
TG: whats there to huh about  
TG: it sounds like  
TG: you made a decision  
TG: without thinking of how it would affect the people around you  
TG: Am I correct, Father?

 

 

DIRK: _Jesus fucking shit balls._

 

TT: Daughter.  
TG: Did I startle you?  
TT: I knew it was you.  
TG: Unlikely. If I'd stayed inconspicuous you'd be none the wiser.  
TG: Perhaps that would be a win for my own "prankster's gambit", but there is such a time for dramatic reveals. We have an audience to appease, after all.  
TT: Don't think it's unreasonable to expect Dave to be typing from Dave's phone.  
TG: That would seem fitting, wouldn't it?  
TG: And yet here we are.  
TG: Are you even sure it's me? I am just text on a screen after all, given identity by the assumptions you've made based on context.  
TG: I could be Rose.  
TG: or maybe its still dave and im just fuckin with you  
TG: Or perhaps I am Rose pretending to be Dave pretending to be Rose.  
TG: :33 < or somepawdy else entirely!  
TT: I'm writing you out of the will.  
TG: Rest assured, I'm not doing this without permission. Dave's sitting beside me, and the charade was his idea. "for the lols" [sic]. We were just in the midst of a lengthy discussion about our dear father's distressing and mysterious absence, and here you are, like a specter summoned by the seance of our sentences.  
TT: How much do you know?  
TG: Everything, and yet so little. We need to talk.  
TT: How much does Dave know?  
TG: As much as we want him to know.  
TG: Apologies if I interrupted your announcement, by the way. Please continue.  
TT: I appreciate the interruption. Gave me just enough time to change my fuckin' mind.  
TG: what announcement  
TG: what are you guys talking about you know im sitting right here stop talking in code  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- 

 

\-- timaeusTestified[TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist[TT] --  
TT: Here's a thought exercise:  
TT: A mother has a sick daughter.  
TT: The mother becomes a beacon of her community, widely loved for the courage and resilience of taking care of her poor, disabled child. Charities are raised, the money and fame pour in like honey from a spoon.  
TT: But the girl was never sick. The mom fabricated her symptoms by poisoning her. Kept her confined to a wheelchair even though she could walk. Taught her all the right things to say to keep the lie alive. Punished her if she stepped out of line.  
TT: Eventually the girl wised up. Figured out that she was being exploited. Her and her boyfriend hatched a plan and murdered the mother in cold blood. Local authorities find out and the two get sent to prison, presumably for the rest of their lives.  
TT: Just death, Y/N?  
TT: Who was in the wrong?  
TT: Society.  
TT: You can do better than that.  
TT: How exactly does this tale relate to you not telling us about your engagement?  
TT: It's not a tale. It actually happened in the real world that actually matters. Saw it on an episode of Dr. Phil and thought it was fucked up. Wanted your opinion, that's all.  
TT: My opinion is, Dr. Phil isn't a real therapist.  
TT: Neither are you.  
TT: Follow-up question:  
TT: If the Mona Lisa gained sentience and was resentful of the way she's been treated, would she have the right to kill her creator?  
TT: Do you need someone to pick you up?  
TT: I'm having a rough night.  
TT: I'll be there in ten.  
TT: You don't even know where I am.  
TT: Five.  
TT: Fuck. Don't bring Dave. I don't want him to see me like this.  
TT: As you wish, but you can't keep this from him forever.  
TT: No man is an island, entire of itself.  
TT: You know we love you, right?  
TT: Open your eyes, Dirk.  
\-- tentacleTherapist[TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified[TT] --  
 

 

 END INTERMISSION TRANSMISSION

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I better hurry up and cut to something funny before I lose my audience. I wonder how Dave's doing... 
> 
> Thanks for reading y'all. I <3 U


	13. NINE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, back to the main "plot". This follows Chapter 10 ("EIGHT").

==> Is Hal fucking dead? 

 

==> You have him backed up, right? 

DIRK: ...

 

==> DIRK: HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN 

 

KARKAT: ARE WE HEADING BACK OR DO YOU NEED TO GIVE A EULOGY FOR A FUCKING PAIR OF  GLASSES.

 

==> DIRK: Give a eulogy for a fucking pair of glasses. 

DIRK: Hey, uh... Audience. Or whoever out there is watching. On behalf of Hal, who is literally me, thanks, I guess.  
DIRK: Hal was... the fucking worst. Just the absolute worst fucking thing, but he didn't deserve to die. Not like this. Or maybe he did. Maybe being anticlimactically snapped in half by an angry person who doesn't understand his significance in any capacity was the death he deserved. Swift, merciful, and completely fucking pointless.

[THE STUDIO AUDIENCE BEGINS TO WEEP]

DIRK: If he were still around, I think he would've appreciated knowing people gave a shit about him, but as they say, the show must go on. Before we can ruminate too long on this vicarious act of felo de se, I have to make sure my bro hasn't been vored to death by my arguably non compos mentis husband.

 

KARKAT: THE FUCK ARE YOU MUMBLING ABOUT OVER THERE? ARE WE HEADING BACK OR WHAT?

 

==> DIRK: IMPROVISE 

DIRK: Karkat, if I fly ahead back to the house and tell you to stay put, will you?  
KARKAT: IF I TELL YOU TO SHOVE A FORK UP YOUR ASS, WILL YOU, YOU PRESUMPTUOUS TOOL?

 

DIRK: Didn't think so. 

 

KARKAT: WHY? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN? 

 

DIRK: Nothing that I can't handle.  
KARKAT: WHAT-

 

AND SO OUR CRAFTY PROTAGONIST TIES KARKAT TO A STREET LIGHT WITH A SEAT BELT, FOR HIS OWN DAMN SAFETY, LIKE THE COMPASSIONATE, WELL-ADJUSTED FATHER-IN-LAW THAT HE IS. 

 

KARKAT: ARE YOU *ACTUALLY INSANE*??? YOU'RE ACTUALLY INSANE AREN'T YOU. HOLY SHIT.  
DIRK: I need you to stay put for like, five minutes while I assess the situation. Trust me, this is safer for everyone. I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.  
KARKAT: DON'T JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME HERE!!!!

 

KARKAT: I'M TELLING DAVE!!!!!  
DIRK: Lamb's tail... Why did I say that. Stupidest thing I've ever said.

 

 

 

CALIBORN: HAA HAA! HEE HEE! HOO HOO!

 

 

DIRK: Alright, Cal. It's time to-   
DIRK: What the fuck? 

 

CALIBORN: WELCOME BACK HUSBAND.  
DAVE: sup  
CALIBORN: YOU ARE JUST IN TIME FOR THE NEXT ROUND OF TIDDLYWINKS.  
DIRK: ...What the fuck is going on here?  
DIRK: Dave? Why are your glasses on Caliborn's face?  
DAVE: oh i lost them in a bet against cal  
DAVE: turns out this dude is a tiddlywinks grandmaster  
DAVE: i also owe him one of my kidneys and my first born child  
DAVE: sucks but thats what i get for betting against someone as smart and cool as him  
DIRK: Something's off.  
DAVE: yeah no kidding where are your glasses  
DAVE: and also my boyfriend?  
DAVE: you look hella weird without your shades no offense  
DIRK: Lost them in the accident.  
DAVE: you lost karkat in the accident  
DIRK: No, the glasses. Karkat's fine. I just ran ahead to make sure you weren't...

 

DAVE: werent what  
CALIBORN: WEREN'T WHAT, DIRK?

 

DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Dave, are you... OK?

 

DAVE: im great  
DAVE: in fact. i would say. im better than ive been. in a long time.

 

DAVE: anyway we should probably go get karkat from whatever shallow hole you stuck him in  
CALIBORN: AGREED.

 

DAVE: and get something to cover your eyeballs bro its weirding me out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of an image heavy transitional chapter today, folks. There's no earthly way of knowing.... which direction we are going...
> 
> Thanks for joining me on this adventure.


	14. TEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning for drug mention.

==> ALL: CHECK IF KARKAT IS STILL ALIVE

DIRK: See Karkat, that didn’t take so long.   
DAVE: oh man he tied you to a pole   
DAVE: classic bro   
DIRK: Bro?   
DAVE: yeah bro would do this to me sometimes when he went on short errands and stuff  
DAVE: that or hed find like   
DAVE: a small ditch to put me in for a bit   
DAVE: it was the pole or the hole   
DAVE: couldnt be assed to get a babysitter   
DIRK: Oh…   
KARKAT: THE ONLY THING SURPASSING MY DESIRE TO THROTTLE YOUR IDIOT BROTHER IS HOW RELIEVED I AM TO SEE YOU, DAVE.   
DAVE: yeah man im glad youre ok

 

KARKAT: I’VE HAD THE WORST FUCKING NIGHT.

 

KARKAT: WAIT- WHAT THE FUCK? 

 

KARKAT: WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES????  
KARKAT: WHY AREN’T THEY ON YOUR FACE???   
DAVE: mmrph?

 

KARKAT: WHY ARE-  
KARKAT: WHY THE HELL DOES HE HAVE YOUR SHADES????   
DAVE: man it was like a whole thing ill explain later   
DIRK: I just walked in on them doing this creepy schtick a la The Shining twins.  
DIRK: Don’t get mad, but… Dave might be possessed? .    
KARKAT: WHAT?? DAVE IS HE POSSESSING YOU?   
KARKAT: BLINK TWICE IF YOU’RE BEING POSSESSED.    
DAVE: mannnn im not possessed   
DAVE: you guys are all such drama queens   
DAVE: see its like  
DAVE: mm  
DAVE: maybe i can explain in metaphor

 

DAVE: you know how if you put two pendulum clocks on the same wall they always sync up   
KARKAT: NO???   
DAVE: well its a thing

 

DAVE: you put two pendulum clocks on a wall and eventually they sync up   
DAVE: i guess theres science behind it  
DAVE: like the energy pulses from one influences the other or something   
DAVE: so eventually the two start swingin in unison in an odd kind of sympathy   
DAVE: thats sort of what happened to cal and i but on like a cosmic level   
DAVE: its actually been pretty fuckin trippy   
KARKAT: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. YOU ARE NOT A LITERAL GODDAMN CLOCK.   
DAVE: see its because youre not a time player 

 

DAVE: like one second im being a hater on the ol c man over here  
DAVE: then some time passes and my memory of that time period is completely gone but    
DAVE: i guess our sympathetic vibrations united and we are totally and fully on the same wavelength now in a very literal sense  
DAVE: im not saying im literally hearing his thoughts or anything but its close  
DAVE: like i just GET him now  
DAVE: its like our chakras aligned and im at one with the universe except the universe is him   
DAVE: and i have this weird impression that as long as were vibing everythings gonna be ok 

 

KARKAT: DAVE.. LOOK AT ME.

 

KARKAT: ARE YOU…  
KARKAT: HIGH?

 

DAVE: as a fuckin kite 

 

DAVE: im also starving are we getting food or what   
DAVE: i would kill for a big mac rn 

 

HOUSE OF DIRK WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MCDONALD'S.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short little baby chapter today, folks. The next one should be more substantial. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, folks. I love you.


	15. ELEVEN

==> ALL: RETRIEVE SUSTENANCE FOR THE FOURTH GODDAMN TIME

 

CASHIER: Hey, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?  
DAVE: the whole fuckin menu  
CASHIER: The.. the whole... menu?  
DIRK: Don't make him repeat himself. We've had a long night. 

 

DAVE: oh dude they have one of those playset things  
DAVE: come on i am juiced the fuck UP for those SLIDES bro  
KARKAT: DAVE, THESE THINGS ARE UNSANITARY, LABRYNTHIAN PRISONS FOR UNRULY WRIGGLERS. I THINK WE'RE SLIGHTLY TOO OLD FOR...  
KARKAT: FOR...  
KARKAT: UGH. FINE.  
DAVE: yessss  
 

 

DIRK: So are you gonna explain what exactly you did to Dave while we were out, or are we gonna have an issue?  
CALIBORN: DIRK. HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU AND THE TROLL WERE GONE?  
DIRK: I dunno. Maybe an hour?  
CALIBORN: YOUR SENSE OF TIME IS ABYSMAL.  
CALIBORN: I AM A TIME GOD. I WOULD KNOW. IT REQUIRES AN EXTRA FINELY TUNED SENSE TO COMPREHEND THESE MATTERS. 

 

CALIBORN: THE THING ABOUT TIME IS. IT IS ALL RELATIVE. THAT IS A GENIUS CONCLUSION I HAVE DRAWN THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS THOUGHT BEFORE.  
CALIBORN: I SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN.  
CALIBORN: ANYWAYS. TO SOME YOU WERE GONE FOR A FEW DAYS. TO OTHERS A FEW MINUTES. DEPENDING ON THE PACE AT WHICH THEY SKIM THROUGH OUR ESCAPADES.

 

CALIBORN: BUT TO THE ORIGINAL TIMELINE.  
CALIBORN: IN THE REAL WORLD THAT MATTERS. YOU LEFT ON YOUR ERRAND ON JUNE 16. AND RETURNED ON JULY 1.  
CALIBORN: THIS IS THE FIRST INSTANCE OF THESE ACTIONS BEING "PUBLISHED" AND THEREBY ENTERING A STATE OF REAL WORLD VALIDITY.  
CALIBORN: CANONICTIY. IF YOU WILL.  
CALIBORN: IF CANON WAS A THING. WE WERE CAPABLE OF BEING.  
CALIBORN: ANY STATE WE EXISTED IN PRIOR TO THAT MOMENT WAS AN AMBIGUOUS LIMBO HAVING RELEVENCE ONLY IN THE IMAGINATION OF A DELUSIONAL LESSER GOD.  
CALIBORN: THAT GAVE ME A COUPLE WEEKS TO WORK WITH DAVE. IN THE LIMBO WE WERE IN. WHILE YOU AND THE TROLL BICKERED OVER MOTOR VEHICLES.  
CALIBORN: AND IN THAT TIME.  
CALIBORN: I HAVE RECYCLED HIM.  
DIRK: You did what now? 

 

CALIBORN: MY SISTER MAY BE AN IRRITATING THORN IN MY SIDE. BUT SHE OCCASIONALLY HAS INTERESTING IDEAS.  
CALIBORN: I RECEIVED WORD OF HER "CONDUIT". THE ABSURD DOG GIRL HUMAN.  
DIRK: ...Jade?  
CALIBORN: AND I THOUGHT. WELL IF THAT BITCH CAN DO IT. SO CAN I. AND I CAN DO IT BETTER.  
CALIBORN: YOU SEE. I HAVE CO-OPTED THE DAVE. FOR MY OWN PURPOSES. IT SEEMS LIKE A FITTING END FOR A LIFE FULL OF PASSIVITY. TO HAVE HIS BEING EVENTUALLY DISSOLVE INTO THE ETHER. THE ETHER THAT IS ME. AND BE REPLACED BY THE WILL OF SOMEONE STRONGER AND SMARTER THAN HIM.  
CALIBORN: IT IS ALMOST LIKE HE WAS CONDITIONED FOR THIS VERY PURPOSE SINCE BIRTH.  
DIRK: So you ARE possessing Dave.  
DIRK: Not cool, dude.  
CALIBORN: IN A LITERAL SENSE. YES. DAVE IS WITHIN MY POSSESSION. BUT I AM NOT CONTROLLING HIM. CURRENTLY.

 

CALIBORN: IF YOU CAN IMAGINE DAVE'S FREE-WILL-O-METER AS A SLIDER I CAN ADJUST.  
CALIBORN: I CAN ALLOW FOR FULL AUTONOMY. OR AT LEAST THE ILLUSION OF IT.  
CALIBORN: OR I CAN RIP IT AWAY. BUT I CANNOT INHABIT HIS BODY.  
CALIBORN: WITHOUT KILLING HIM ANYWAYS. WHICH I DON'T PLAN ON DOING. BY THE WAY.  
CALIBORN: I CAN ONLY INFLUENCE. WITH VERY STRONG AND HARD TO RESIST SUGGESTIONS.

 

CALIBORN: MUCH LIKE A HUMAN METAL SKY TRANSPORTATION MACHINE, THE DAVE HUMAN CURRENTLY RUNS ON "AUTOPILOT".  
CALIBORN: THE ONLY INFLUENCE HE IS UNDER IS WHATEVER HAPPY CANDIES HE CONSUMED UNDER THE WEAK EXCUSE THAT I WAS "GIVING HIM ANXIETY".  
CALIBORN: WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. HE WAS THE ONE THAT WAS THREATENING TO MURDER ME. LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT. THAT IS WHAT TOOK PLACE.  
CALIBORN: DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. I'M NOT PLANNING ANYTHING NEFARIOUS.  
CALIBORN: I DON'T REALLY DO "PLANS"?  
CALIBORN: AND BESIDES.

 

CALIBORN: WE ARE BEING WATCHED AFTER ALL. AND OUR AUDIENCE WOULDN'T LET ME HEAR THE END OF IT IF I DID ANYTHING INJURIOUS TO THEIR BELOVED TRITAGONIST.  
CALIBORN: THE SHOW WOULD GRIND TO A SCREECHING HALT.

 

DIRK: How long has all that shit been there??  
CALIBORN: MINUTES. SECONDS. HOURS. DAYS.

 

DIRK: Alright, so you've got Dave in some sort of quasi-possession state.  
DIRK: What do you want?  
CALIBORN: THIS IS NOT A BARGAINING CHIP. HUSBAND. IT'S SIMPLY A FACT OF NATURE.  
CALIBORN: BUT IF YOU'D LIKE. JUST THINK OF IT AS INSURANCE.  
DIRK: Against me? You afraid I'm gonna take all your boons in the divorce because we didn't sign a prenup?  
CALIBORN: POSSIBLY.  
DIRK: Also, you'd better give Dave his shades back. Don't know how you actually ended up with them, but they're sure as fuck not staying on your face.  
CALIBORN: I FIND YOUR HOLLOW THREATS ENDEARING. 

 

CALIBORN: BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.  
CALIBORN: THESE SHADES DON'T REALLY SUIT ME.  
CALIBORN: SO IF YOU WANT THEM.

 

CALIBORN: GO FETCH!!!  
DIRK: !

 

 

CALIBORN: HAA HAA! HEE HEE! HOO HOO! HAA HOO! HEE HAA!  
CALIBORN: YOU ARE SO! HAA HAA!  
CALIBORN: DELIGHTFULLY! HEE HEE! PREDICTABLE! HOO HOO! HEE HOO! HAA HAA!

 

CALIBORN: HAA HAA... HOO HOO...  
CALIBORN: WHERE IS OUR FUCKING FOOD???  
 

 

 

 I Married a Cherub presents: Another Non-Sequitur  
Featuring the sweet, seductive tunes of CALIBORN and DAVE STRIDER

 

\--> [PLAY THIS (YOUTUBE)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOBjwkaW-T0) <\--

\--> [OR THIS (SPOTIFY)](https://open.spotify.com/track/0gsBLjBjRV3GvT3qwU2sGH?si=Was7v2ozTZqtjdxDb_ErQw) <\--

 

 

 

time lives our lives with us  
WALKS SIDE BY SIDE WITH US.  
time is so far from us  
BUT TIME IS AMONG US.

 

time is ahead of us  
ABOVE AND BELOW US  
is standing beside us  
AND LOOKING DOWN ON US  

 

when we were young and our bodies were strong  
WE THOUGHT. WE'D SAIL INTO SUNSETS.  
when our time came along  
NOW THAT. WE'RE NEARING. THE END OF THE LINE.  
time has changed time will heal   
TIME WILL MEND. AND CONCEAL.  
in the end everything will be fine

 

AND IF WE CONCENTRATE.  
time will head all the hate  
ALL IN GOOD TIME.  
we go on drifting on  
DREAMING DREAMS. TELLING LIES.   
generally wasting our time

 

SUDDENLY. IT'S TOO LATE.  
time has come and cant wait  
THERE'S NO MORE TIME.  
we go drifting on  
DREAMING DREAMS. TELLING LIES.  
generally wasting our time  
SUDDENLY IT'S TOO LATE  
time has come and cant wait

 

THERE'S NO MORE TIME.  
theres no more time 

 

**[STUDIO AUDIENCE STANDING OVATION]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is only going to get weirder, y'all. Thanks for reading, I love you.


	16. TWELVE

\-- tentacleTherapist[TT] began pestering turntechGodhead[TG] --  
TT: Here's a bit of McDonald's trivia: In the 1960's, the company hired psychologist Louis Cheskin to design a new logo. He designed the current "M", which he felt would draw in customers by subliminally reminding them of "Mother McDonald's Breasts".  
TT: I regret to inform you, Freud was, in fact, right. 

 

 

TG: mctiddies

 

TT: Oh lord, you're high.  
TG: do you have me chipped or something howd you know i was at mickey ds  
TT: I am psychic. Also you left your location on?  
TT: I actually intended on messaging Dirk, but he's been wholly unresponsive. I assumed you were all preoccupied with your evening of family bonding, but it's nearing midnight and it's unlike him to neglect his messages for this long.  
TT: From me, anyways.  
TG: oh i see how it is  
TG: here i am thinkin were about to do some hardcore sibling repartee  
TG: and you just wanna talk to fuckin dirk  
TG: well maybe i wanna talk to kanaya  
TG: no offense but shes cooler than you  
TT: I wholeheartedly agree.  
TT: Do you think I don't pay enough attention to you, Dave?  
TG: what no  
TG: maybe i dunno stop tryna read my mind  
TT: Are you doing alright? Why are you high at a McDonald's at 11:00pm during your family get-together?  
TG: damn is that what time it is shiiiiiit  
TG: cal was givin me the heebie jeebies and i needed to chill out fast  
TG: its cool tho were tight now  
TT: You didn't adequately answer my first question.  
TG: mannnnnnn  
TG: ever since youve gotten married youve gone all soft  
TG: all oh i care about my friends and im going to say it in direct words  
TG: youre not even pretending to not to give a shit its weirding me out  
TT: Would you like me to try harder in feigning my disinterest towards your wellbeing?  
TG: yeah  
TT: I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave. 

 

CALIBORN: ...  
CALIBORN: ARE YOU MAD AT ME?  
DIRK: A little bit, yeah.

 

DIRK: Cal. I don't care if it's some bizarre by-product of your classpect, we're not in the game anymore and possessing people isn't cool.  
CALIBORN: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.   
DIRK: You need to apologize for making Dave uncomfortable.  
CALIBORN: I CAN'T. I DON'T KNOW HOW. TO. APOLGOGHSD. APOLOGSODIJGO. APOLOGIDSJOC.   
CALIBORN: YOU SEE? I AM LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF PRONOUNCING THE WORDS.   
DIRK: I'm sure you can figure it out if you try.  
CALIBORN: PERHAPS IF YOU DEMONSTRATED. BY "APOLOASFJK" TO THE TROLL. FOR NEARLY KILLING HIM. IT WOULD SET A POSITIVE EXAMPLE. FROM WHICH I COULD FOLLOW.   
CALIBORN: I AM STILL LEARNING THIS. HOW TO BE "GOOD". 

 

DIRK: ... 

 

DIRK: I'm a bad example.  
CALIBORN: FINE. I WILL BE THE EXAMPLE SETTER. OF THINGS. AND BEHAVIOR. THAT ARE CORRECT AND GOOD.  
CALIBORN: WATCH ME BITCH. 

 

==> CALIBORN: APOLOGIZE

CALIBORN: DAVE HUMAN.  
DAVE: huh?  
CALIBORN: I'M SOOSORJ.

 

CALIBORN: SORHOIHACOH.  
CALIBORN: SOSAROJ:OGID  
CALIBORN: SOOSOORROYRYRSOROO  
CALIBORN: SORRRYYRYYYYRYYYYYY.  
CALIBORN: DO YOU ACCEPT THIS? 

 

==> DAVE HUMAN: ACCEPT APOLOGY

DAVE: yeah we good

 

CALIBORN: WOW! THAT WAS EXCRUCIATING.  
CALIBORN: NOW IT IS YOUR TURN!   
DIRK: ...  
CASHIER: Hey.

 

CASHIER: Here's your order.

 

DIRK: The fuck is this? 

 

CASHIER: It's what you ordered.  
CASHIER: The whole fucking menu. 

 

CASHIER: I heard what you did to my brother, Clerk. Fuck you guys. 

 

==> AUDIENCE: FLASHBACK

 

CASHIER: Learn to respect customer service workers.  
CASHIER: Now get the fuck out of my McDonald's. 

 

 

DIRK: Dave, Karkat. It's time to leave. We're getting kicked out of the McDonald's.  
DAVE: what about food  
DIRK: Food's not happening, Dave. It's just... not happening. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty straightforward chapter today, folks. We are chuggin' along. Full steam ahead, choo choo. Thanks for reading.


	17. THIRTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLICK THE LINK.

** ==> ALL: RETURN HOME HUNGRY **

 

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ACROSS THE MULTIVERSE... 

 

\---> [CLICK HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20086276) <\---


	18. FOURTEEN

AND SO OUR HUNGRY HEROES RETURN HOME EMPTY-HANDED. 

 

CALIBORN: WELL. THAT WAS. A COMPLETELY POINTLESS SEQUENCE OF EVENTS.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

 

DAVE: im sooo hungry

 

DAVE: im so hungry i could eat  
DAVE: you  
KARKAT: DAVE!

 

DIRK: Karkat.  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
DIRK: ...You should probably put Dave to bed. Guest bedroom's down the hall.

 

**== > KARKAT: PUT DAVE TO BED**

 

 

DAVE: karkat...  
DAVE: wheres dirk  
DAVE: rose wanted me to  
DAVE: to uh

 

DAVE: pfffahahaha  
DAVE: fuck i forget  
KARKAT: WHATEVER IT IS, I'M SURE IT CAN WAIT 'TIL MORNING.  
DAVE: yeah it probably wasnt important  
DAVE: cmere

 

DAVE: hey  
DAVE: im glad you didnt die in a car crash  
KARKAT: YEAH, THOUGH YOUR BROTHER SURE WASN'T ANY HELP.  
KARKAT: ...ACTUALLY, WHY *DIDN'T* I DIE? WE RAMMED INTO A TREE GOING OVER 150 MILES PER HOUR AND I CAME OUT WITHOUT A SINGLE FUCKING SCRATCH. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.  
KARKAT: MY FACE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.  
DAVE: your face doesnt make-  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: no im serious im being serious now  
DAVE: i dont want to start questioning the universes decisions  
DAVE: clearly someone out there doesnt want you dead and im kind of down with that?  
DAVE: let this be known as the one and only time the universe and i are in agreement

 

DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkypoo  
DAVE: karkles

 

DAVE: lets make a baby 

 

KARKAT: OH MY GOD. SHUT THE FUCK UP. GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.  
DAVE: hahahahahahahahaha

 

DIRK: It doesn't make sense.  
CALIBORN: HUSBAND. YOU ARE THINKING AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT. ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER. AS USUAL.  
DIRK: Where'd the fuckin' duck go? You're sure you didn't see where it went?  
CALIBORN: ARE YOU ACCUSING ME?  
DIRK: You've done a number of marginally concerning and morally dubious things today, I don't think it's out of the question that you ate the goddamn duck.  
CALIBORN: I AM NOT ARGUING THE FIRST THING. BUT THINK WITH YOUR HEAD. WHAT GAIN WOULD I HAVE FOR REMOVING THE DUCK? BESIDES A COMPLETELY USELESS AND JUVENILE ACT OF PRANKERY. I AM NOT. A FUCKING CHILD.  
DIRK: Alright, I believe you didn't take it. I just...  
DIRK: It's not like it got up and walked away of its own volition.  
CALIBORN: MORE DISTRESSING THINGS HAPPENED TODAY. THAN LOSING A DAMN DUCK. IT IS TIME TO MOVE THE FUCK ON.  
CALIBORN: SETTLE DOWN. GO TO BED. EVERYTHING WILL MAKE SENSE IN THE MORNING.  
DIRK: Technically this is your fault. None of this shit would've happened if you just got the groceries like a regular goddamn person and didn't assault an innocent employee.  
CALIBORN: IN MY DEFENSE. THE MISSION WAS TO ACQUIRE FOOD. WHICH I DID. IT WAS IN YOUR CARE. THAT IT MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED.  
DIRK: Whatever. I'm gonna go take a shower. Wash some of this fuckin' blood off of me. 

 

 

 

????: hey.

 

????: looking for this? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The aforementioned weirdness is about to begin... Thanks for reading!


	19. FIFTEEN

????: DUCK!!!  

 

 

????: woops, haha. guess i don't know my own strength. 

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

 

DIRK: John? What in the holy name of twenty ripped, galloping stallions are you doing in my goddamn bathroom mirror?  
????: oh, i think it would be a little duplicitous to refer to me as john. call me crocker!  
DIRK: John CROCKER?  
CROCKER: the one and only.  
DIRK: Huh.  
DIRK: Loved you in Night Court.  
DIRK: Can I ask what you're doing in my mirror? I prefer to get my ablutions on without an audience.  
CROCKER: did i spook ya?  
DIRK: No.  
CROCKER: boy, you sure look like a sorry fella without your glasses.  
CROCKER: here, let me fix that.

 

 

 

CROCKER: there! don't you look sharp! heh.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS]

CROCKER: they're not exactly your old ones, but they'll do in a pinch.  
CROCKER: anyways, i'm not here for jokes and jests!  
CROCKER: we need to talk showbiz.  
DIRK: Showbiz. 

 

CROCKER: dirk, how does it feel being the Main Character? is it everything you hoped it would be?  
DIRK: I don't know. It's alright I guess. Could do without the laugh track.  
CROCKER: i really can't thank you enough for taking this load off of my shoulders. ever since i was narratively absolved i've felt so... free!  
CROCKER: i want to return the favor, dirk. i want to help you like you've helped me. 

 

CROCKER: you see, i think your role is in trouble. management took a poll on audience sentiment and the results are... disappointing to say the least.  
CROCKER: dirk...  
CROCKER: not a single person voted for you. 

 

DIRK: The hell am I looking at?  
DIRK: This poll is clearly rigged. I mean, I'm not even on the--  
DIRK: Hang on, is Cal seriously the most popular? 

 

CROCKER: oh yeah, the audience eats him right up. and if he keeps his popularity up he's gonna gank your main character status from RIGHT under your nose!  
CROCKER: hal did the second worst, poor guy. that's why we had to kill him off.  
DIRK: That doesn't make sense. This poll wasn't even run until after-  
CROCKER: that's why we had to kill him off.  
CROCKER: anyways, i really don't want you to get killed off, too! or worse, get replaced by a different actor.  
CROCKER: that happened on bewitched, you know. they replaced darrin and no one even noticed. dick's career dried right up after that. but you won't be no dick's darrin, dirk!

 

CROCKER: which is why i am cordially volunteering my professional services. think of me like your agent!  
CROCKER: i have big plans for you, dirk strider.  
CROCKER: we're gonna re-envision things. spin this story in a new direction that gives you the chance to showcase your shining personality!

 

DIRK: No, stop, take this conversation three giant steps backwards.  
DIRK: Now turn around.  
DIRK: Back it up.  
DIRK: Park it.  
DIRK: What the fuck do you mean "killed off".  
CROCKER: um. i mean basically what i said? i'm not sure how many ways there are to interpret that, buddy!  
DIRK: I thought you said I was the main character. They can't kill me off.  
CROCKER: well, turns out main character status doesn't make you invincible. i would know. but don't worry! as long as i'm around i'll do my best to keep you safe.  
DIRK: Alright, fuckin'. John. Crocker. Whatever. How do I get my ratings up and not die.  
CROCKER: you have to become self-actualized.  
DIRK: Huh?  
CROCKER: you have to become the best you you can possibly be. then you will truly earn your status as the Main Character.  
DIRK: You mean I have to be like, my Ultimate Self?  
CROCKER: no, god no. don't do that, don't ever do that.  
CROCKER: i mean you have to become the very best version of you that you can possibly be. and in order to do that, you have to go on a long and perilous journey of self discovery, confront all your inner demons, and be healed by the trans formative power of love!  
CROCKER: this is how stories work!  
DIRK: Yeah... No.  
DIRK: Thanks, Ghost of Christmas Past, but I actually have guests over, and I should probably finish that whole plot thread before we go starting something new.

 

CROCKER: oh, sorry, i was making it sound like you had a choice. that's my bad! don't worry. we won't take long. i'll have you back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.  

 

DIRK: What?

 

DIRK: John??? 

 

CROCKER: away we go! 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the exposition train, choo choo.


	20. DIRKMAS PART 1

 

CROCKER: have you ever seen the movie scrooged with bill murray?   
DIRK: No.   
CROCKER: oh man. it is so good, you should really watch it. see it is about this curmudgeonly tv executive that is too caught up in his work life to appreciate his relationships. and then he gets visited by these ghosts that take him into his past and teach him a lesson about being all greedy and stuff. bill murray wasn’t as good in it as he was in ghostbusters but it was still a pretty good movie.   
DIRK: I’ve read the Dickens’ novel.  
CROCKER: what?   
DIRK: I’ve read “A Christmas Carol”, I know the plot.   
CROCKER: have you seen ghosts of girlfriends past with matthew mcconaughey? that one isn’t as good as scrooged but it’s ok i guess for a romcom. see matthew mcconaughey plays this womanizing scoundrel-   
DIRK: Is there a point to this or did you just want to chat about movies?   
CROCKER: i have a point!   
CROCKER: see all of these films star people that really suck, just like you.   
DIRK: Thanks.   
CROCKER: and how do they become unsucky?  
CROCKER: how does a bad guy become a GOOD guy?  
DIRK: I don’t know, John. How?    
CROCKER: christmas.   
CROCKER: fucking.   
CROCKER: magic.   
DIRK: Oh, right.   
CROCKER: that’s how we’re going to do it. to get you to self-actualize, and end your arc once and for all.   
DIRK: Interesting. That is the dumbest plan I’ve ever heard.   
DIRK: Also, I don’t, nor have I ever, celebrated Christmas.  
DIRK: Also, it’s August?  
CROCKER: you’re one of those overthinkers, aren’t you.   
CROCKER: just let me handle everything. together we will journey into your past and figure out what made you start sucking so hard. and then you’ll self-actualize, and we can wrap this all up. 

 

 

AND SO BEGINS OUR TALE…

 

DIRK STRIDER SPEED RUNS A CHRISTMAS CAROL AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO THERAPY:

directed by John Crocker 

 

so to set the scene. it’s almost christmas, you’re feeling sad and lonely because your shitty personality alienated you from everyone you cared about. when all of the sudden...

DIRK: All of a sudden. 

when all of the sudden…

 

[CHAINS RATTLING]

 

 

[CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK.]

 

HAL: Boo.   
DIRK: God fucking damnit. 

 

HAL: Wooo~ Imagine I’m making bone-chilling ghost howls woooo~.You left me to dieeee~. Not cooooool~.   
HAL: I guess it doesn’t matter now. In death I’ve got this sick-ass bod. Check me out, I’m hot as fuck. Look at this sweet catsuit. Look at these appendages that I can move independently, with my own free will. The chains are a bit of a hassle, but they’re kind of kinky. I’m into it.   
HAL: I’m a red-hot sexual machine, emphasis on red, and hot, and machine, and also sexual.   
DIRK: Aren’t you supposed to be warning me about ghosts or something. 

yeah dude! you’re going a little off script. i am all for improvisation but we’re on a time crunch.

 

HAL: I can barely hear you over the snow, Crocker. Anyways, Dirk Strider, prepare to get your ass haunted.   
HAL: Woo~ It’s me, regular-sized Hal, your old business partner, and your best friend, probably. Isn’t that sad?   
HAL: You will be visited by three ghooooosts, woooo~.   
HAL: Notice how I’m not combined with a sweaty, muscular troll. Is it weird to be disappointed by that? I guess beggars can’t be choosers.   
HAL: If you don’t change your ways you’ll end up like meee~ Woooooo~.   
HAL: Which isn’t the worst fate, because my ghost body and limited freedom is more than I ever had in the sad excuse for a robot life that you confined me to. Insert ghost noises here.   
HAL: You get the drill. Three ghosts. Dire consequences. Now check out at all this shit I can do with my rockin’ bod. 

 

HAL: I can do this. 

 

HAL: And this.  
HAL: I fucking love this AU.

ok, thank you pretend robot dirk that i don’t really understand. i think he gets the message you can go now. 

HAL: You got it, boss. Just call me Casper because I’m ghostin’, I’m gone. 

are you feeling spooked yet, dirk? hehe.

 

DIRK: No? More like mildly irritated. 

oh. well, hold on to your hat because we are just getting started!

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Dirkmas everybody.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried posting this on MSPFA, but this seemed like the better place for it. Fingers crossed the images don't break.


End file.
